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Gggaahhh!! It’s been forever since I last posted about her… about us. There had been a lot of things going on for the past couple of weeks. Well for one thing, we talk a lot nowadays which gave me more time to learn more about her. There had been a lot of revelations that caught me off guard that I won’t mention here since I promised her that it’s just between the two of us. God knows that I have a smile tattooed on my face each and every day just because of her. When we talked, I dunno what will happen on the rest of the day which is the most exciting part! We both like spontaneity and we never believed in planning since it won’t ultimately materialize. After office, when we are together, I dunno what will happen on the rest of the night and I am clueless as to how the night will end. Almost every week now, we are together - just hanging-out on some places that I haven’t even been. You could say that I am the tourist and she’s my tour guide. After a fun-filled night and countless hours of conversation, when we head on to our respective home, the night won’t end without us sending a few sms to one another just to check on things and bid good night. You maybe wondering, “If you’re on cloud nine now, what’s with the title?”. Well simply put, there’s always the flip-side of the coin.

She told me a good news that made my heart thump. I sooo wanted to hear those words from her ever since her break-up but there’s this thing that kept holding me back to profess my love to her. Well actually, there’s nothing more to confess since I already did that before. I guess what am trying to say is that am still hesitant to tell her my motive – to have a deeper relationship than what we have now. That was what I wanted to do before but I held back since she was in a relationship back then. Now she’s free but am still hesitant… why?! Simply because, she’s still in the healing process. I don’t wanna put pressure on her and I don’t wanna be a rebound. If it will be us, I wanna be the reason why she wanna smile blah, blah, blah… I think I mentioned that on my previous post ^_^… I just don’t wanna be the replacement, I wanna be the new found love. This is my struggle. Though we haven’t any spoken words of agreement, I am giving her all of my time, all my support and all the effort that I can imagine in order to make her feel happy and secure. This is what I call unconditional love.

A paranoia slithered in when we met just last Sunday in a nearby grocery store. As usual, we had a fun time and she did all the talking (which is one of the traits that I love about her) whilst we shop for the things that she’ll need for dinner. After all the back-and-forth-mode of shopping, we decided to went home but not before grabbing a bite. She told me that she’d been craving for food as of late so we bought a couple of doughnuts. When she noticed the wide array of foods on the stalls, she was dismay at her decision to buy the doughnuts. As we eat, she mentioned about a pregnancy thing. I first took it as a joke as I know that she’s the type that won’t and couldn’t do it. Not because she CAN’T but because she knows better than getting laid and getting pregnant. She’s the type that thinks of others first rather than herself. She told me that even her closest of friends didn’t believe her when she brought up the topic. And I doubt that her ex-boyfriend could even get to second base! But the shock came to me when she pulled out a pregnancy test device thingy from her pocket. She told me that it was negative (meaning she ain’t pregnant) since it had only one line (don’t ask me, I myself don’t even know what that means). At the back of my mind, I was like ”thank goodness!!!!”. She told me that either she might have done it the wrong way or she’s just paranoid. The fact that she thinks that she’s pregnant caused so much stress, distraught, unrest and uneasiness for me. Good thing I was wearing my shades that day or she might have noticed. Until now, it’s still on my mind. Am asking myself “what if she is indeed pregnant?! What will you do!?”. I am refusing to entertain the thought and I always sez to myself to “just keep the faith!”. These few words alone had saved me from my useless assumptions on a couple of occasions before and it greatly helped me clear my mind. But somehow, this time, the balance between that phrase and the word “pregnant” is slowly tilting on the favor of the latter. This is very much new to me. I mean, having a boyfriend, I can take but when you sez you’re pregnant, that is just beyond what I can comprehend. I can’t sleep at night like I used to because of that incident. This is my paranoia. This is what keeps me awake at night. And this is the thing that I need to confirm with her… even though I may not be ready on what I will hear from her.

I made a promise before to someone here at the office that is close to my heart. She was assigned overseas back then for six months while I was doing the usual stuff – bootcamp, surf and petix. I told her before that I might not be here when she comes back but that thing suddenly changed. I don’t know what triggered that event but I ended up saying that I’ll wait for her until she comes back after the six-month duration. I was really petix at the office and all I do all day was chat, surf, DS, read, chat, compose oohh and did I mention chat!? I didn’t really mind this monotonous schedule as I was just wasting my time here waiting for her. But my stay on that petix phase proved to be useful as I discovered a couple of tutorials about adobe, javascript and photography that is being offered here at the office, in a virtual way of course. Time flies sometimes fast but most often slow and I was running out of things to do. Then she told me that her stay there will be extended for another 1 full month and I was like *sad* *cry*. I had to endure the petix state for another 30 days! I managed to ward off the boredom and tried to find ways that might make my stay there worthwhile. Then the seven-month drought finally came to a close and she was finally on her way home, or should I say she is now here.

I kept true to my word and waited for her return but somehow, I stayed here far longer than I can imagine. It’s the month of November now and am still here due to some unknown force. Lorque (one of the people that I look up to here) has now resigned and is no longer part of the company which made me sssoooo sad. She’s the one that I talk to about my performance here at the company and she gives me advice that helped me in more ways than one. She believed in me more than I believed in myself! A lot of people (including nanay Linda, mami tina to name a few) are saying that I have a lot of untapped potentials – that I just don’t have the confidence in my craft. They say that I can be one of the best if I only knew how “good” I am. These are the people that I treasure the most! Those who believed in me and kept on pushing me to be at my very best.

I’d be sad come my last day here at the office because that will be the last time that I will see them. I’m not good at goodbyes so I dunno what will happen. I can still talk to them via messengers but it’s different when you’re in front of them – sharing a couple of laughs, enduring a lot of pain, eating a lot of food, hangin’ out and just chillin. These are the people that I respected the most and became important in my life and they mold me (professionally) in what I am today.

It’s been forever since I last updated this blog and the reason for this is WORK. Yep folks! You read it right!!! Friggin work! I had work ever since but we can’t actually call that working – I just surf the net all day and play my Nintendo DS lite. Now, I am actually required to really, really work my ass off! I was just assigned to a project and I dunno whether I should be happy or sh*t. I am currently not doing much work now as I am getting myself immerse in the process that they do but come next week, all hell will break lose! That means no more surfing the net, no more playtime and definitely rare updates. I wanna go back to being a graphics designer and flash animator because am planning for something next year. I actually have 2 options: a) just suck at what am doing/assigned to. In that way, they will be forced to return me where I came from (which means I can surf the whole day again) or b) excel at my current assignment ensuring my place in this project for at least one year. Right now, option A sounds really, really enticing! I kept praying and asking if what I’m doing is right. I know that graphics is my calling and I don’t wanna waste this god-given talent that I have. I proved that more or less 24 months graphics-less made me rusty. I actually sucked and couldn’t even design a decent wordpress theme! I had already drawn them in paper but it’s different when you actually design them digitally. I need to practice and brush on my skills because I only have 4 months to do this.

PS: the current project had this law to not install or use any messengers (including meebo). Boooooooo!!!!

You rarely see a guy shed his tears whether in public, with his friends or when he’s alone. This is because we have this machismo of a dogma that tough guys don’t cry, but that doesn’t mean that we ain’t lonely.

Like any other human beings, us guys are capable and have the prerogative to be lonely. This is the way we cope up with the different problems that life throws at us – family, friends, financial and especially relationship. Of all of those things, relationships are the one that pains us the most! It’s beyond our control and can induce pains ten-folds that of a financial. This is me speaking based on a personal experience wwaayyy before and just recently. A peer asked me “dude, how did you managed to live before, after she left you?”. I can proudly say that it took me roughly 12 months to get my life back on track. Why did it took that long to put everything back into place? It’s because am the masochist type of person – I enjoy pain as much as I enjoy inflicting them to others. I tend to get overly emotional at night that puts me to sleep. I am clueless as to why I enjoy this emotional pain. All I know is that it feels so good when I’m hurt to the point that I am utterly a different person. You can easily tell when I’m in an emotional hell just by looking and listening to my winamp playlist. I wouldn’t call them overly emotional as I tend to listen to some “love” songs courtesy of both foreign (western and japanese) and local BANDS and a lot of instrumental stuff that is either from a Japanese or Korean drama/movie.

When I’m listening to some instrumental/classical music, tears easily fall from my eye. Without warning, I’ll just be by myself, put them headphones and just “feel the pain” as the song relates on my emotional state. Just this week, I am literally crying myself to sleep. I have this emotional rollercoaster ride courtesy of liezl. I don’t wanna elaborate on the details more but the bottom line is this: I love it when am hurting, and I’m even loving it more because it is liezl why I feel this pain. Doubt(s) is/are creepily crawling in my system and I constantly pray for god’s guide, for the strength to help me in eradicating this unnecessary doubt(s).

Up to this moment I am still in my “emotional zone” and rest assure that I will cry and still be crying on the next couple of days right before I went to bed. Damn it feels ssssooooo good!!

Can I buy you a cellphone so we can talk and exchange SMS on a regular basis? I’d gladly buy you a cellphone if it means we can talk until we fall asleep. I’d switch to a different network provider so we can make the most of our money. Can I buy you a cellphone so I can be assured that my messages were received? It’s a dilemma for me, I don’t know whether you received the text and just ignored it or otherwise. I’m planning to buy a new phone since the one that I have right now is really showing its age. Will you accompany so we can pick out your cellphone as well?

Of course, the cellphone only solves one problem. We also have to worry about your credits so you can send a sms and/or make a call. I am waaayyyy ahead of you. We’ll just have to apply for a plan that comes with a brand spankin’ new phone. This way, we will hit two birds with one stone.

So now am asking you, can I buy you a new phone?

1. you’re great sense of humor
2. the different perspective you use to see the whole world (which made me love and respected you even more)
3. street-smart
4. outgoing
5. confident
6. you know what you want in life and most importantly, you know how to get it
7. you’re not trying to be somebody that you’re not (respect +88)
8. you talk a lot
9. you are fun to be with
10. you single handedly changed me – the way I talk, the way I think and all my beliefs thanks to the experiences that you shared
11. the way you love when you are in love
12. friendly
13. nosy (in a good way)
14. you’re simplicity
15. spontaneous
16. you’re eyes
17. you’re smile
18. the way you laugh
19. the way you “boss” me around for me to be able to be bolder and more courageous
20. the way you call me
21. those sleepless nights because of waiting for your text.
22. the way you make me smile when I read your text
23. the way the people disappear when I see you.
24. because of you, I felt that I have a heart – a heart capable of caring and loving
25. my life was given direction
26. you gave me the reason to fight and live. It’s safe to say that you are my life.

[note:] I am currently writing this entry with a heavy heart. I haven’t had any sleep last night because of our conversation and am just plain confused right now. It’s as if god himself heard my sentiments and brought forth the sudden downpour of rain.

…It was a half-torn paper with a lot of creases, it had been obviously in my bag for quite a while. I reached out and gave her the poems that I specially composed for her. She asked for me to read it aloud, I hesitated but I gave-in in the end. I read the poem for her as heartfelt, as sincere and as best as I can because these few lines hold all the emotions, all the feelings that I have for her. After I was done reading, tears were slowly forming in her eyes and she gave me a hug for that wonderful gift. I gave her back the poems and she read those same few stanzas in a hush and sweet manner. No words can describe how and what I felt at that exact moment. It’s as if I’m invulnerable to anything. If this is what they call love, then it is indeed one dangerous drug that keeps you coming back for more. I wished for the ride to take just a little longer, I wished that this night will never end, I wished that this emotion and sensation that I’m feeling never fades, I wished the smile in my heart will never be erased.

As we were on our way, we decided to pass the time by listening to some music in my Ipod. I was just staring at her face and admiring her for all her worth when a certain song played and she immediately turned her head towards me. I picked up the other earpiece to see what song made her that excited.

Liezl: dude! I love this song!!
Me: *motioning towards the other earpiece*
Liezl: hurry up!! You gotta hear this song!
Me: *excited*
Me: right! I like this cover of the song also. It was done by mayonnaise (a local band here).
Liezl: aahhhh. That’s why it sounded funny. It was a remake.
Me: yeah! But it’s pretty cool!
Liezl: *humming to the tune of ipagpatawad mo.*

After a few more minutes, we realized that she was nearing her stop. She was carrying a lot of luggage (mostly dirty laundries) and I insisted of walking her at least until she reached the terminal. We got off the bus and she was motioning toward the terminal when I called her name and stopped her.

Me: ne, happy birthday!
Liezl: thank you so much dude! I really appreciate it! I really enjoyed myself! Thank you! Thank you!
Me: there’s also something I gotta say
Liezl: *curious* what is it?
Me: *stutters* anou… ehhhmmmm…
Liezl: *excited* what is it!? What is it!?
Me: *stutters yet again* the thing is… aaahhhhmm….
Liezl: *anticipating every word that I’ll say* is there really something you wanna tell me!?
Me: *in hales deeply* ayt, am serious now. I mean I’m casting off the poker and clown faces. I’m about to tell you something important to me.
Liezl: *listening intently*
Liezl: which is…..
Me: remember when we were in the bus earlier and you heard the song?
Liezl: yup! I even told you it was one of my favorites. So what gives?
Me: there’s a line there saying “ipagpatawad mo minahal kita agad” right?
Liezl: yep!
Me: the thing is….
Liezl: *waiting… impatiently*
Me: well… the thing is, that is what I am feeling when I’m with you. The song holds true for what I feel for you.
Liezl: *astonished* *speechless*
Me: *counting at the back of my mind. 1… 2… 3…..*
Liezl: *still smiling*
Liezl: are you serious?
Me: yes! I’m dead serious. That’s why I have this dilemma. I mean, I know that you have a boyfriend now but am sorry I just can’t help myself.
Liezl: *looking at me dead in my eye*
Me: the more time we talk, the more time we see each other the more am falling for you… fast.
Liezl: *still smiling while listening to me*
Me: I guess I just don’t want this night to end without me telling you that. *as I motioned towards the terminal*
Liezl: *walking by my side*
Liezl: when did this happen? I mean when did you feel that you’re falling for me?
Me: *inhales deeply, looks at the stars* I don’t know. Like I sez, the more we talked, the more I grew fond of you and I just loved you.
Liezl: *hesitating to look me in the eye, while we were walking* dude, let’s stop by at that store. I’ll just grab a couple of cigarettes.
Me: *thinking unexplained thoughts, feeling unknown emotions*
Liezl: *lights her cigarette. Probably thinking of what I just said.*
Liezl: so…
Me: *obviously half awake*
Me: so?
Liezl: *just to break the ice*
Liezl: it’s kinda late no!? are you sure that it’s OK to you?
Me: *smiling* of course!

To my astonishment, those 2 sticks of cigarettes were used sparingly. I guess she must have been thinking of what I just said. I still stare at her while she was smoking and I didn’t detect any change in her aura, in her disposition despite the fact of what I just sez. She’s still the same LIEZL from a while back. After finishing those two sticks, she motioned towards me…

Liezl: *she slowly approached me, eyes are still shining and smiling*
Liezl: thanks so much!!
Liezl: *motioned her cheek toward mine until it touched one another. Some form of friendly “kiss”*
Me: *saddened and at the same time happy*
Me: *sarcastic and yet serious* ggggaaaahhh! The more you’re doing that, the more am hurting
Liezl: *smile is her only answer*
Liezl: thanks again dude and be careful on going home. I’ll just text you ayt!?

As her ride stroll away, I headed on the opposite direction preparing to go home. I just looked up on the stars and still can’t believe what happened. I asked them if what I did was right.

- to be continued -

I’ve been seeing LIEZL for the past couple of days and we’ve been talking and texting non-stop (given that she has the credit to text me). Sheer words are not enough to describe the sensation that I feel whenever we talk and especially when I have the pleasure of seeing her. Within a span of days, I learned a lot from her – about her life, the hurdles she went through and is still undergoing, her personality and who she really is. The more I know of her past and present, the more I wanna be her future. I don’t like it when she’s crying and getting hurt. I hate the fact that all I can do is comfort her and say things that will make her feel better. The whole time that we were seeing each other, the more I realized all my faults and all the simple pleasurable things that I continuously ignore.

She said things that almost made me weep if it weren’t for the fact that we were in a public place. A lady as precious as her doesn’t deserve to be treated sh*tty, instead, she deserves only the best! I wanna be the one that holds her hand when she’s troubled, her shield when she’s in pain, her sword when in doubt. I wanna bring her smile back; I wanna be the reason why she smiles.

I found out that there are a lot of things, simple things, that she didn’t had the pleasure of experiencing. By highschool, she was working her ass off just to have some cheese that will go to her tuition fee at school. She sacrificed everything, including her personal indulgence(s) just to help her family. I’ve a one-sided perspective on all people and she was the one that shattered that belief. All her life, she had been working non-stop all for her family. Though having some troubles financially, she still keeps that genuine smile and a positive outlook which made me fell for her even more. Because of her, I changed my ways, my belief and my outlook Because of her, I felt that I have a heart – an emotion capable of caring and loving. Because of her, I was moved and forever changed… for the better.

For two consecutive days now, I’ve been constantly praying and wishing “dear god, please let me be with LIEZL for all eternity. Please, please grant us the elusive “happily ever after” ending. Dear god, with LIEZL by my side, I know I won’t go wrong. She’s my inspiration, she’s the reason why I chose to live. Dear god, I’ve been an ass all my life and I don’t deserve even a single wish much more talk to you but that shows how much I love her. I am willing to risk my dark wings and exposed them to sunlight just for her. Dear god, I hope you can hear me and I guess all I can do is wait for your wonders.”

Note: details for the 2-day escapade will be presented in a more “blow-by-blow” way in a separate entry.

It was her birthday and that was all the reason I needed to put a smile on my face. I had this idea of having some flowers delivered at their office just to surprise her but somebody beat me to it. During lunch, I heard that all too familiar ring from my phone and I pretended that I didn’t heard it. My immediate supervisor and friend picked up the phone and she smiled as she was giving me the handset.

Me: happy birthday dude!! Did you receive the flowers? (though I didn’t really gave her any)
Liezl: wow!! So it was you that gave those flowers!! Thanks! Thanks!
Me: *somewhat astonished* ye.. yeah.. no prob!
Liezl: thank you so much!!
Me: *decided to tell the truth* frankly, I didn’t send any flowers. I was planning to do that but I guess someone beat me to it.
Liezl: hhhmmm.. I wonder who’s it from!?
Me: maybe it’s from your boyfriend… *it’s as if there are swords stabbing my heart as I sez this line*
Liezl: probably…
Me: *sadness befell* so uuhhmmm, it’s already luchbreak so I guess I’ll just call you later… happy birthday!
Liezl: ok. I’ll just call you later.
*I hung up the phone*

After the conversation, I lost my focus to eat and work. A lot of stuff are dancing in my head – mainly a lot of what if’s. I passed most of the on afternoon on either staring at my monitor pretending to work or looking at my notes and doodling some stuff. 4 o’clock came and that familiar ring on the phone was heard. I answered the phone and heard her melodious voice and infectious laugh which are enough to eradicate all my doubts.

Liezl: how’s ya day dude? (she’s fond of calling me dude)
Me: *sarcastic* it’s a bit slow.
Liezl: oohh I see. Nways, I found out who sent the flowers
Me: *utter silence since I have a hunch*
Liezl: it was from my boyfriend. He sent it and surprised me earlier by dropping by here at the office.
Me: *wearing a poker face to hide the hurting* see!? I told you.
Liezl: yup!! I was so surprised!
Me: ne, can we meet later? I think we should go home together since it’s your birthday
Liezl: sure!! I’ll be waiting for you at the bus terminal ok!?
Me: un! I have a gift for you!
Liezl: really!? Ggahhhh! I can’t wait! I have something to give to you too.
Me: ayt! See you after office then

As planned, we met at the designated bus stop. That was the first time that I went to such place and hurdle everything just to see her and be with her even for that short moment. Roughly one hour had passed when she and her friend came to the station. Her explanation was unnecessary to me, what’s important is she was here in front of me. Her friend, who lives within the area, left both of us in the terminal where we waited for the bus for 30 minutes. To pass the time, I pulled my trusty Ipod to listen to some good music but as soon as she saw mo grooving, she immediately pulled the earphones. At about 9:30, we boarded the bus and picked a good seat where it can be both of us because we tend to have our own world when it’s just the two of us. While waiting for the bus to depart, she pulled something from her bag and gave it to me. It was some sort of cookies and peanut butter so we can have a bite while waiting for the bus to go. She again, reached her bag and pulled something out of it. It was a necklace – her gift to me which she bought when she was in some province. As we traverse the expressway, I gave to her my birthday gift. It was a half-torn paper with a lot of creases, it had been obviously in my bag for quite a while. I reached out and gave her the poems that I specially composed for her. She asked for me to read it aloud, I hesitated but I gave-in in the end. I read the poem for her as heartfelt, as sincere and as best as I can because these few lines hold all the emotions, all the feelings that I have for her. After I was done reading, tears were slowly forming in her eyes and she gave me a hug for that wonderful gift….

- To be continued -

For the second straight day, I still don’t have an internet connection at the office ggggaahhhh!! I can’t do anything in here! I am literally counting down the minutes before quitting time. For the second day, I stare blankly on my monitor. It’s a good thing that I brought my Nintendo DS lite today so I can pass the time. I played at a nearby mall for roughly 3 hours until the battery life of my DS died. Now, I am back at my cubicle and fighting the urge of falling asleep. If this had happened at home (the no internet connection issue), it’s manageable for me because I can still watch some movies or animes that I downloaded and I won’t be bored or anything like that. But having no connection here at the office is a whole lot of different story. I’m gonna die insane due to this sh*t!!! I am not getting my hopes high for tomorrow and am thinking if I should just file a vacation leave. In that way, I can spend my time in a more productive and significant way.